Kent Rucker's Art

         This page in my site is about my experience as a suicide survivor. This page is not intended to present myself as a therapist, or some one who has the all the answers about how to prevent some one from committing suicide.  The phenomemon of suicide and it's attempts are  very very complex issues, and involves many more people than just the choice of one person. Therefore I don't want to be held liable for someone else's decision. That being said I would hope to my last breath that that option would be scratched from anyone's list of how  to relieve themselves of suffering.

        I attempted suicide twice. I had convinced myself that  there seemed to be no point in living.  The voice in my head continued to insist that  I was worthless and that it would be better for everyone if I were no longer in the picture. Mostly I wanted to escape that nagging voice that constantly retrieved event after event in my life that proved that I was worthless. I completely identified with my thoughts. I felt absolutely trapped in the whirlpool of depression. I was a prisoner in my own head.

       There is a painting by John Singleton Copley entitled "Watson And The Shark"

     I see a naked man in floating on his back in rough waters. I see a giant shark comming at him with it's mouth open. I see the man's outstretched arm. I see that there are many men in the boat who appear to me as if the have come tto save him. I notice that the man has lost one of his legs. Finally I notice the Blackman in the boat holding one end of a slack life line that Watson can't seem to catch.

       This painting reminded me of myself before my attempts. I felt  absolutely vulnerable, wounded, and in the presence of a raging monster of depression. There were also many people who tried very hard to save me. What I find interesting about how I read this painting, is that the lifeline is thrown yet I didn't catch it. Now that's a hard one for me to admit. Didn't I want to be saved?  That voice was in my head, I could have reached out for help, but I let that voice drown in the sea of my depression.

        Copley's painting is of an actual event that happened in Havana Harbor in 1749. Watson fourteen at the time was saved. The men in the boat fought the shark off. Watson's leg was amputated below the knee, and dispite the traumatic event he lived a full life and became "Lord Mayor of London"

        After both times I was placed in what is called a 72 hour lockdown. I was in a hospital ward with other patients. I had twenty four hour access to therapists. Late one night a therapist talked to me about depression. He said that I must respect depression. I said "Why?" It was incomprehensible that depression would have any value. He said "You must also respect depression because it can kill you." I had to agree. Secondly he said that you must also honor depression. I actually laughed in disbelief. "You have to honor it because it has made you who you are." Again I had to agree.

        Eventually I went back to work ,but....   I still felt like I had a big hole in me that  couldn't be filled. I told this to my boss, and rightly so the police were called. I was taken away by the police and paramedics. At first I was very angry to be in a lockdown situation for the third time. However after a couple of days I began to relax and and began to take advantage of the classes and therapists and sleep. I soon became an out patient and joined a group of other out patients.

        As I sat at the table day after day, it dawned on me that I was surrounded by normal people who had jobs and children, and loved one's and hobbies. Add to this a life threatening depression that was one of many commonalities that we all shared. It was during one of these meetings that I learned something very important about my attitude of depression. That day's therapist said near the end of the session. "That no matter how you looked at it ,suicide is murder." I didn't think much of it at the time, however on my drive home it stuck me why some of my friends were so angry with me. "I HAD TRIED TO KILL MY FRIEND'S FRIEND. I HAD TRIED TO KILL MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER, I HAD TRIED TO KILL MY MOTHER'S SON." I was struck dumb. When I reached home, I took a shower to wash away my tears of remorse. I could not believe I had been so blind... I could not believe that I had convinced myself that it was all about me. And that people would be happy if I was dead. Depression has been a great teacher. It taught me among other things that I didn't have to believe everything that I thought.

       However my education about suicide was not over. A week or so after I finished my out patient sessions, a friend of mine shot himself in the head. He died a week later and they harvested his organs. During that week I stuck with the family to see what happened. I thought that because of my experience I might be able to comfort the family. I was not prepared by the level of grief expressed nor the number of people that came to pay their respect. I saw tears literally burst from young men's faces, moans, fainting, disbelief. I stumbled into the hall once again overwhelmed with tears. As I looked at the ceiling I said to myself, "I get it . I get it!" Suicide does not happen in isolation. In my opinion each one rips a hole in the human fabric. We are all irreplaceable. I recently watched the film"Stranger Than Fiction, starring Emma Thompson and Will Farrell.  There is this wonderfully poignant scene where Dustin Hoffman asks Emma why didn't she let Harold Crick die, the poignancy of her statement sent me to my computer to add her words to this page in my site. "The book is about a man who doesn't know he's going to die and dies any way. But if a man knows he's going to die and dies willingly, k nowing that he could prevent it, isn't that the type of man you want to keep alive?"  It has been my experience that,and  this may sound odd, even though it takes courage to die, it takes much more courage to live, to stay here  and figure out how to meet the everyday challenges of life. Have we trained ourselves and our youth on HOW to live. HOW to have the proper healthy attitude about difficulties, disapointments, and even trajedies? Death is not the challenge, life is.

   National Suicide Prevention lifeline

1 800 273 TALK

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org